Lost

Sitting in my psychiatrist’s office right now. He is notoriously at least 15 minutes late so I know I have time to at least let out some of the things I’ve been struggling with lately.

This is an urgent appointment that I scheduled last week when I ran out of Xanax and realized that I need to up my dosage of my SSRI. I’m feeling very lost and overwhelmed right now. I may have popped a few too many pills and had a few too many drinks last week for my comfort. All of my other (healthy) coping mechanisms seemed unfeasible at the time. I’ve been working 12+ hour days at work, coming home and sweating over the stove and then sink (our dishwasher is currently broken,) and then zoning out under the ceiling fan in front of the tv, not wanting to talk to D.

It has been two months since we lost Fran, and our house is a wreck. We have so much of her stuff that I’m considering hiring a personal organizer. Things that I used to be okay with (closet is a disaster, we need to get rid of clothes, etc.) are now driving me up the wall. I get so overwhelmed that I get into this almost catatonic, quiet state where I can’t do anything.

But on the outside, my friends think I am fine because I am not acting much differently. They want to think I’m fine, because who wants to see their loved ones struggle?

Work is confusing right now, structurally, and I’ll just leave it at that because it’s not worth getting into. Needless to say, it has been a gigantic source of stress these past two weeks.

I feel very alone. I know I am not, but I miss my parents and wish they could live nearby.

I feel very angry. I don’t understand why we had to lose our baby and Fran.

I feel very overwhelmed. I want our house to be tidy and clean and I feel like a bad wife that it isn’t.

With all of this, we have decided to postpone IVF until we are in a better mental state. We may wait until next February even. I’m calling 2013 a bust and saying screw it. I’m only 27; D’s only 29. We have time.

The Memorial, and a Few Lighter Notes

I absolutely meant to write here last week, but it has taken me some time to process the events of the last ten days or so.

Fran’s memorial was a little over a week ago, and of course it was bittersweet. We were overwhelmed with the amount of people who made it out to a fairly isolated lake in Ohio to celebrate her life. She touched so many people in her too-few years on this earth. I was so proud of D and his sister for the beautiful and eloquent things they were able to say in front of everyone, and so thankful that his step-sister and her fiancé (my very good high school friend) were able to attend. We definitely needed the support. My parents also came, and of course D’s father (which I know was difficult for him.)

We rented a boat in the morning with D’s sister and her husband, his aunt and her three children, and his grandmother (Fran’s mom.) We each laid a rose on her pressed-paper urn and D and his sister placed it in the water together. It was so touching and serene in that moment, yet so difficult to really say goodbye.

I think D has more closure now, but as executor of her will he often feels overwhelmed. There are so many things to take care of when a parent passes away that it becomes difficult to really grieve the loss. For me at least, when I was helping to plan the memorial I still felt as if I was in service to her; she seemed like she was still here in a way. I had a pretty difficult emotional crash early last week and had to do something I rarely do–ask a friend for help. My best friend here, we’ll call her Kay, came over the night I needed her and was really there for me. We sat outside with our dogs and just talked about everything. She is also going through treatment for infertility, and just received a PCOS diagnosis as well. In addition to that, her husband’s father passed away a little over a year ago.

When I think about all of the good people I know who have had such awful things happen to them, I really have a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Five of our very close friends have lost a parent in the past four years. Every one of those friends though are some of the strongest, most resilient people we have met.

When I started writing this, I didn’t mean for it to be so heavy, but I suppose that’s where my heart is right now. On a lighter note, we enjoyed a very relaxing and fun weekend with D’s step-sister and her fiancé. We rented bikes for them and all rode down to see the Pirates lose in typical Pirates fashion, had a delicious meal of grilled salmon and truffled cauliflower mash, and quite a bit of white wine (oops, I totally cheated. But she’s a wine rep and was sharing so much delicious vino!)

Oh, and one more week until our official Let’s-Get-This-IVF-Business-Started appointment! I wonder what my $500 AMH test results are…fingers crossed.

Cleanse, Detox, Whatever You Want To Call It…

…it sucks big time. I am on day two of a 21-day “action plan” from Whole Living magazine that several of my coworkers did back in the winter. They all saw some amazing results–improved energy, digestion, mood. Oh, and these already skinny bitches got even skinnier! So, as someone who has always sworn up and down against fad diets/detoxes/what-have-you, I am embarking on what I am sure will be a very cranky three-week journey.

Why am I doing this? Well, for several reasons. My mood and energy could definitely be improved, and I’d like to lose some weight before our beach vacation in July. Plus I enjoy a good challenge, and want to test my willpower. Okay, okay…and I guess I am starting to buy-in a little bit to the idea of “clean” eating. I need a fresh start to the summer, and I think it will only help with my upcoming IVF cycle.

But seriously, it sucks right now. For the first week you can only have veggies, fruits, lentils, nuts, oils, and seeds. And seasonings, of course. The recipes have actually been quite delicious thus far, and I have enjoyed them, but I find my mind to be completely fuzzy. It’s likely the lack of caffeine, but I am allowed green tea at least.

D is doing the cleanse with me, albeit without eliminating caffeine. His commute is way too long to go without it when he’s been a two cups before work each day kinda guy.

The part that is really bugging me right now is that I have no desire to run. It could also be an effect of my working 12-hour days for the majority of this week that’s sapping my energy. Apparently though, this week is supposed to suck, and you are supposed to spring out of bed on day 7 and be able to run a marathon. Or something. I know though, I will definitely be ready to eat some effing FISH and BLACK BEANS and BROWN RICE. But that will all have to wait 5 more days.

Has anyone reading ever done a cleanse? Would you be interested, or do you think it’s just starving and tricking yourself that it’s good for you? I’ll be sure to let you guys know how it goes.

Racing

I’m staying a bit late at work tonight to work on a photo transfer onto canvas for my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary. Today is their actual anniversary, so congratulations to them!

Yesterday I ran the second leg of the Pittsburgh Marathon, which was 3.5 miles. I was so convinced I could do it at a ten minute pace, but I went out too fast, did not anticipate the inclines, had to wait in line for a bathroom at the beginning, and had gotten my period that same day. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I had something under my control, and I feel a bit like I failed. My time was 42 minutes, which, while respectable, just wasn’t how I wanted to finish. I had to stop and walk at least twice, and in general I just felt kind of “meh” about the whole thing. I’m hoping to redeem myself with a half-marathon at the end of July.

Apart from my personal goal not being met, it was a lovely day. D ran the half in record time (under two hours!) and it was gorgeous outside. I had fun celebrating with others who had finished the half or full marathon, and may or may not have had a beer before 11:00 am…

Of course though, we decided to attend a friend’s birthday celebration yesterday afternoon without thinking about who would be there. This friend has two children–a brand-new baby who is amazing and gorgeous, and a bright, spirited, lovely 19-month old. These particular friends are about five years older than me, and two or three older than D. I knew there would be kids there, but I was not prepared for how many. There were about eight couples including us, and we were the only ones not with children or currently pregnant. It really hit me at that point how we were the infertile 1 in 8. D kept telling me that they’re all older than us, which I understand, but it was still overwhelming. I kept myself busy by drinking hefeweizen and talking with our close friends who struggled for three years to conceive and now have a healthy 10-month old. But at a point I knew I was going to become emotional, I hurried to the bathroom and shed some tears. We stayed for about 15 more minutes until I decided that we needed to leave.

On the way home, I told D that I’ve felt so strong these past couple of weeks, and I thought that I was prepared to see lots of people with babies, but I wasn’t. I had a sneaking suspicion the day before that perhaps it wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had, especially given the circumstances of getting my first period after an ectopic, but i ignored it. I feel like I’ve taken a bit of a step back in my emotional recovery, but I hope that I’ll be able to take a couple of steps forward as a result.

In fertility news, I am now officially, by self-imposition, infertile. Meaning that I started BCPs yesterday. Again, I’m hoping that it will clear up some of my PCOS symptoms (especially the weight gain) and regulate how often I get my period. D has his SA scheduled for this Wednesday and we have another meeting with Dr. A at the end of June. I really want to enjoy myself this summer, but I feel like we’re so far away from our IVF cycle right now. I think that for me I’ve taken a long enough break, but D needs longer. If it were only my decision, we’d be onto IVF in July. I’m sure that in the long-run, this summer will seem to have been very necessary, as it’s likely the last summer we will spend without children. But for right now it seems like an unnecessary three and a half months.

I want to focus on myself and my relationship with D. I want to have fun, and I want to look forward to things. But right now I’m having a hard time relaxing and being able to do this.

Has anyone out there taken a long break from TTC? I’d especially love to hear it if you moved onto another method of treatment afterward.

IVF, Here We Go!

Just a quick post today because I’m on my lunch break enjoying some beautiful weather and some “light reading.”

We’re doing IVF. In September. I am at once relieved and nervous, of course. But mostly right now I am feeling extremely hopeful. When I was handed the IVF packet at my appointment yesterday I teared up a bit for a couple of reasons: I never thought I would end up here, and that it is so, so possible that this will create our baby.

I had blood work done yesterday too to see if I can start BCPs again (hopefully to clear up some of my PCOS symptoms) and they measured my AMH as well. Hopefully in July or August we can begin all of the other testing that is involved.

Now I get to become one of those bloggers who documents her IVF experience that have been so helpful for me to read.

And now for a gratuitous puppy picture of Gemma sunning herself right now:

I Don’t Understand

I just don’t understand why I’m not getting pregnant. My doctor seemed so optimistic about my situation, and felt strongly that she had identified the problem and had a solution to it. I’m really worried now that there are things wrong in addition to PCOS. I’ve now had five cycles where ovulation has occurred; three of which I produced multiple follicles. If everything is working properly, it just doesn’t make any sense to me how I’m still not pregnant. I’m worried now that if we have to move to IVF that there may be an issue with my eggs. I can’t imagine spending so much money on a cycle, just to have my eggs not fertilize.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself a bit, but I’ve been doing more research on adoption as well. I had no idea that about 50% of birth mothers change their mind about placing their baby after they’ve been matched with adoptive parents. To go through all of these fertility treatments, then the adoption process, and come up empty-handed is unfathomable to me. The financial and emotional costs I think would be too much to bear.

I’m trying, but finding it very difficult to stay optimistic right now.

Finding Patience

Today I am struggling to find patience: with myself, with my body, and with those around me. It’s difficult to tell whether my patience has improved over the past two years, but I certainly have more tolerance for waiting, if that makes sense. I view patience as something that you possess that you can access when needed. I have just become passively accustomed to playing the waiting game.

I am 9 DPO today. Yesterday I spent most of the day trying to figure out when to test. I now know better than to symptom-watch, so I’m left with very little to obsess over. One thing I’ve been struggling with is exercise in the luteal phase. I’m a long-distance runner, and have signed up for a half-marathon in May, which means this Saturday I should be running 6 miles. I can’t help but worry though, if I’m pregnant and don’t know it, and run, and what if the worst happens, I can almost guarantee that I will blame myself. I waffle between those thoughts, and thinking “I have to live my life. I can’t let this struggle control me.” I know realistically that doctors say it’s okay to continue running during pregnancy if you were a runner before you became pregnant. However, if you’re going through IVF, exercise is usually forbidden. This leads me to believe that at least to some extent, there is a risk associated with exercise during the first trimester.

On another note, last night we attended a meeting about adoption, and I’m still processing all of the information. It was a lot to take in. The most important thing I got out of it though is the fact that you should have exhausted all of your fertility treatments, whatever that means to you, before you can pursue adoption. We are pretty far from that at this point, as we are giving ourselves until September before we will start to consider moving to IVF.

On a positive note, I’ve decided on my next tattoo, which will be located on my right shoulder blade. It’s a lyric from one of my favorite songs, “Impossible Soul” by Sufjan Stevens. It’s incredibly epic, beautiful, and seems fitting: “My beloved, you are the lover of my impossible soul.”