I’m staying a bit late at work tonight to work on a photo transfer onto canvas for my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary. Today is their actual anniversary, so congratulations to them!
Yesterday I ran the second leg of the Pittsburgh Marathon, which was 3.5 miles. I was so convinced I could do it at a ten minute pace, but I went out too fast, did not anticipate the inclines, had to wait in line for a bathroom at the beginning, and had gotten my period that same day. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I had something under my control, and I feel a bit like I failed. My time was 42 minutes, which, while respectable, just wasn’t how I wanted to finish. I had to stop and walk at least twice, and in general I just felt kind of “meh” about the whole thing. I’m hoping to redeem myself with a half-marathon at the end of July.
Apart from my personal goal not being met, it was a lovely day. D ran the half in record time (under two hours!) and it was gorgeous outside. I had fun celebrating with others who had finished the half or full marathon, and may or may not have had a beer before 11:00 am…
Of course though, we decided to attend a friend’s birthday celebration yesterday afternoon without thinking about who would be there. This friend has two children–a brand-new baby who is amazing and gorgeous, and a bright, spirited, lovely 19-month old. These particular friends are about five years older than me, and two or three older than D. I knew there would be kids there, but I was not prepared for how many. There were about eight couples including us, and we were the only ones not with children or currently pregnant. It really hit me at that point how we were the infertile 1 in 8. D kept telling me that they’re all older than us, which I understand, but it was still overwhelming. I kept myself busy by drinking hefeweizen and talking with our close friends who struggled for three years to conceive and now have a healthy 10-month old. But at a point I knew I was going to become emotional, I hurried to the bathroom and shed some tears. We stayed for about 15 more minutes until I decided that we needed to leave.
On the way home, I told D that I’ve felt so strong these past couple of weeks, and I thought that I was prepared to see lots of people with babies, but I wasn’t. I had a sneaking suspicion the day before that perhaps it wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had, especially given the circumstances of getting my first period after an ectopic, but i ignored it. I feel like I’ve taken a bit of a step back in my emotional recovery, but I hope that I’ll be able to take a couple of steps forward as a result.
In fertility news, I am now officially, by self-imposition, infertile. Meaning that I started BCPs yesterday. Again, I’m hoping that it will clear up some of my PCOS symptoms (especially the weight gain) and regulate how often I get my period. D has his SA scheduled for this Wednesday and we have another meeting with Dr. A at the end of June. I really want to enjoy myself this summer, but I feel like we’re so far away from our IVF cycle right now. I think that for me I’ve taken a long enough break, but D needs longer. If it were only my decision, we’d be onto IVF in July. I’m sure that in the long-run, this summer will seem to have been very necessary, as it’s likely the last summer we will spend without children. But for right now it seems like an unnecessary three and a half months.
I want to focus on myself and my relationship with D. I want to have fun, and I want to look forward to things. But right now I’m having a hard time relaxing and being able to do this.
Has anyone out there taken a long break from TTC? I’d especially love to hear it if you moved onto another method of treatment afterward.
Nickee Coco 