Lost

Sitting in my psychiatrist’s office right now. He is notoriously at least 15 minutes late so I know I have time to at least let out some of the things I’ve been struggling with lately.

This is an urgent appointment that I scheduled last week when I ran out of Xanax and realized that I need to up my dosage of my SSRI. I’m feeling very lost and overwhelmed right now. I may have popped a few too many pills and had a few too many drinks last week for my comfort. All of my other (healthy) coping mechanisms seemed unfeasible at the time. I’ve been working 12+ hour days at work, coming home and sweating over the stove and then sink (our dishwasher is currently broken,) and then zoning out under the ceiling fan in front of the tv, not wanting to talk to D.

It has been two months since we lost Fran, and our house is a wreck. We have so much of her stuff that I’m considering hiring a personal organizer. Things that I used to be okay with (closet is a disaster, we need to get rid of clothes, etc.) are now driving me up the wall. I get so overwhelmed that I get into this almost catatonic, quiet state where I can’t do anything.

But on the outside, my friends think I am fine because I am not acting much differently. They want to think I’m fine, because who wants to see their loved ones struggle?

Work is confusing right now, structurally, and I’ll just leave it at that because it’s not worth getting into. Needless to say, it has been a gigantic source of stress these past two weeks.

I feel very alone. I know I am not, but I miss my parents and wish they could live nearby.

I feel very angry. I don’t understand why we had to lose our baby and Fran.

I feel very overwhelmed. I want our house to be tidy and clean and I feel like a bad wife that it isn’t.

With all of this, we have decided to postpone IVF until we are in a better mental state. We may wait until next February even. I’m calling 2013 a bust and saying screw it. I’m only 27; D’s only 29. We have time.