Today I am struggling to find patience: with myself, with my body, and with those around me. It’s difficult to tell whether my patience has improved over the past two years, but I certainly have more tolerance for waiting, if that makes sense. I view patience as something that you possess that you can access when needed. I have just become passively accustomed to playing the waiting game.
I am 9 DPO today. Yesterday I spent most of the day trying to figure out when to test. I now know better than to symptom-watch, so I’m left with very little to obsess over. One thing I’ve been struggling with is exercise in the luteal phase. I’m a long-distance runner, and have signed up for a half-marathon in May, which means this Saturday I should be running 6 miles. I can’t help but worry though, if I’m pregnant and don’t know it, and run, and what if the worst happens, I can almost guarantee that I will blame myself. I waffle between those thoughts, and thinking “I have to live my life. I can’t let this struggle control me.” I know realistically that doctors say it’s okay to continue running during pregnancy if you were a runner before you became pregnant. However, if you’re going through IVF, exercise is usually forbidden. This leads me to believe that at least to some extent, there is a risk associated with exercise during the first trimester.
On another note, last night we attended a meeting about adoption, and I’m still processing all of the information. It was a lot to take in. The most important thing I got out of it though is the fact that you should have exhausted all of your fertility treatments, whatever that means to you, before you can pursue adoption. We are pretty far from that at this point, as we are giving ourselves until September before we will start to consider moving to IVF.
On a positive note, I’ve decided on my next tattoo, which will be located on my right shoulder blade. It’s a lyric from one of my favorite songs, “Impossible Soul” by Sufjan Stevens. It’s incredibly epic, beautiful, and seems fitting: “My beloved, you are the lover of my impossible soul.”