As promised, here are the screen caps of the positive responses I got from my NIAW “coming out” infertility FB status. You can see that there is a “God’s timing” thrown in there, but other than that, everyone’s comments really helped. I never thought I would have the courage to post such personal information, but I’m glad I did. I feel lighter, and I hope I offered some information or comfort to those people currently struggling.
In other news, we have our first appointment with our RE since the ectopic was discovered. In the past week or so, I’ve been becoming angrier and angrier about the whole situation and how I was treated. I want to bring all of these concerns up in a calm, straightforward way, but I don’t know how to do so without becoming emotional. I’m so glad D is going to be coming with me. I have a feeling I will need to schedule a second appointment to figure out what our next steps are, which worries me as well. I don’t want to gloss over the (several) issues I have with the way my clinic handled my case, and I don’t want to speed through the “we want to move directly to IVF” talk. In short, I want to know the following:
- Why did the ectopic happen?
- Why was it not caught during the first ultrasound?
- Why did a nurse not speak to the doctor and call me back when I told her I was having pain and no miscarriage?
- My beta was 16 at 15 DPO. I knew deep down that this pregnancy was not going to work out. Why was this not a red flag?
- What are our next steps? I only have a few medicated/monitored cycles left in me, emotionally and physically. Does it make the most sense to move straight to IVF?
- I’ve started taking abil.ify daily for depression stemming from this whole situation. Is this safe to continue through the first trimester of my next (possible) pregnancy?
- What about metfor.min?
- What are my chances of having another ectopic?
Now that I’ve put these all into a numbered list, they don’t seem as daunting. Thank God. I will say one thing about my decision to start abil.ify: it was a long time coming. I have been considering starting some sort of medication since we had our first medicated/failed cycle, but have held off because “I’m strong enough” without it. I can honestly say now that I have absolutely proven this to myself, and I have got to draw the line somewhere. As the wonderful Mo said to me recently, “you are not superwoman.” I really thank her for that reminder. When I began having severe separation anxiety from D, thoughts of suicide (don’t worry, I would never, ever act on these,) and obsessively counting the paces from my office to my car, my car to my front door, etc., I knew that it was time to pay my psychiatrist a visit. So far, so good. I have more energy and am starting to look forward to things again.
On a somewhat related note, I have a coworker whose best friend suffered through an ectopic at the same time as me. She tried to kill herself a little over a week ago. I keep thinking of her, and have offered my contact info to my coworker, but her friend will not reach out to me or anyone else. If any of you readers could just take a moment and send positive thoughts/prayers toward her, that would be appreciated. I ache so badly for her.
Lastly, I have designed and scheduled my tattoo to remember this pregnancy. It will be placed on my right hip, covering one of my scars from my surgery. I think it’s pretty fantastic if I do say so myself: